Squirrel Mafia

26 Nov

Me: “There’s a squirrel in the birch tree right there.”

My husband: “It better run for its life.”

Me: “I bet it doesn’t know.”

My husband: “It will find out soon enough.”

Me: (A little guiltily) “I noticed all those black walnuts on the ground beneath the trees the other day and got to worrying about the squirrels. If they’re drawn by the scent.”

My husband: “But not enough to pick them up.”

Me: “What?”

My husband: “You didn’t worry enough to pick them up.”

Me: “Oh. No. Too much work.”

Black walnuts, anyone?

Black walnuts, anyone?

My husband: “You’d think that they’d spread the word. Avoid the place.”

Me: “They can’t spread the word. They’re all dead.”

My husband: “Don’t blame me.”

Me: “No. It’s the squirrel mafia.”

My husband: “Totally.”

Me: (Still watching the doomed squirrel.) “Poor guy.”

My husband: “I’m not too bothered by it, actually.”


My husband: “He won’t.”

Me: “I know. I know.”

My husband: “Dead as a door nail.”

Me: “Deader. Doornails never were alive.”

My husband: “Remember the little paw?”

Me: “Lying on top of the dumpster. Like a mute warning.”

My husband: “Squirrels beware.”

Me: “It really was gross.”

My husband: “That’s the mafia for you. Probably a few of their victims are swimming with the fishes at the bottom of the stream.”

Me: “Swimming with the beavers, you mean. We don’t have any fishes in our stream.”

My husband: “Cement boots.”

Me: “Electrocuted, actually.”

My husband: “True. Brutally shocked at the top of the light pole.”

Me: “Fallen to the ground below. All stiff…”

My husband: “Next time the power goes out mysteriously in the middle of the day – no storm, no warning – you’ll know why.”

Me: “Yes. The squirrel mafia will have struck again.”

My husband: (Joining me at the window) “How many times has it happened?”

Me: “Twice. But there was that other squirrel – the one that did a weird dance in the middle of the road and was found dead in the yard the next day.”

My husband: “Yeah. Forgot about that one. I thought you thought it was rabies that time.”

Me: “Mafia-induced rabies, probably.”

We stood there, watching the innocent squirrel run down the tree trunk and head south.

My husband: “Looks like he’s heading into Iowa.”

Me: “Good thing. The mafia is less powerful there.”

My husband: “He’ll be back. All those nuts…just calling to him…”

Me: (Shouting and banging on the glass) “GOOD LUCK LITTLE SQUIRREL! AND DON’T COME BACK!!! Never, ever come back…”

My husband: “Squirrels aren’t known for their wisdom.”

Me: “Maybe I should put up warning signs.”

My husband: “Maybe you should just pick up the walnuts.”

The End

PS – Though the conversation may not have gone exactly like this, the details of the squirrel mafia are entirely true. It’s a bizarre fact that squirrels who come to our property die. And we don’t have anything to do with it. Any relation to actual events was completely on purpose. No animals were injured in the making of this post.

Bare walnut trees.

Bare walnut trees.


29 Responses to “Squirrel Mafia”

  1. Beth Ann November 26, 2013 at 7:09 am #

    I think they have come to Iowa and moved into my bird feeders. No zapping bird feeder anymore as the deer took it out. They are safe here and the mafia has spread the word to avoid your property and come to mine. Thanks a lot. 🙂 Great post.

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 26, 2013 at 7:11 am #

      Oh, shoot. Sorry ’bout that. Our bird feeders are safe, thanks to the mafia. The deer haven’t even been a problem lately. Must be that the word has spread to other creatures. BEWARE!!!

      • Beth Ann November 26, 2013 at 7:44 am #

        You are not sorry one bit. I know you aren’t! 🙂 I will feed them well–no worries.

  2. Minnesota Prairie Roots November 26, 2013 at 7:13 am #

    Baffled, totally baffled. Quite the conversations you and the Sailboat King have. There’s always some truth to fiction, correct?

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 26, 2013 at 7:15 am #

      The facts of the squirrel deaths are accurate…the rest of the conversation may have been slightly altered. 🙂

      • Minnesota Prairie Roots November 27, 2013 at 11:58 am #

        Ha, ha.

        This is all sort of weird, why those squirrels would meet such unexpected deaths on your property. I suffered no ill side effects from visiting you. 🙂

        • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

          Phew! The last time it happened the electric company came and did something that supposedly fixed the problem – I guess it happened elsewhere, too!

        • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

          (But as for that rabies one…I don’t know. That was very weird.)

  3. Shirley Dykstra November 26, 2013 at 9:02 am #

    We have creatures like this in our neighborhood???? No harm intended.LOL

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 26, 2013 at 9:49 am #

      You have all those trees by your house…I’d be careful if I were you!

  4. Fresh Ginger November 26, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    TOO FUNNY! 🙂

  5. cravesadventure November 26, 2013 at 1:00 pm #

    The quail and doves are enough for me – someone else can have the squirrels. Great Post – ha!

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 10:48 am #

      🙂 The birds disappear around here in the winter – even when I have seed out. They don’t like me, apparently. Or maybe there’s a bird mafia too?

      • cravesadventure November 27, 2013 at 11:01 am #

        Oh No – I was not trying to start something with the birds – ha! The quail are just crazy here – a lot of males too – wondering where all the females are?!? We do not put seed out because it attracts the pigeons, the rabbits, the deer, the coyotes and then you are asking for the bears and mountain lions (in the foothills here) – No Thank You! Happy Thanksgiving to You and Your Family:)

        • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 11:06 am #

          And to you, too! And no, you totally don’t want to attract all of those creatures – yuck. We have coyotes here, too – not so good.

  6. treadlemusic November 26, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

    ROFL!!!! You made my evening!!!! I saw the post earlier but was unable to carve a bit of time to delve into it………….Iowa will include them in the next census!!!!! Thanksgiving blessings to you and your family………..

  7. Hotly Spiced November 27, 2013 at 4:30 am #

    Oh dear. Poor squirrels. We don’t have squirrels in Oz and so (dare I say) we think they’re actually very cute! And cuddly even. However, in a few blog posts I’ve read recently, I’ve heard how devastating they can be. Good luck! xx

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 10:50 am #

      I was telling my husband the other day about how you don’t have jack-o-lanterns at Halloween, either. Funny how I can’t imagine Halloween without them, nor can I picture an American public park sans squirrels!!

  8. Gwen Stephens November 27, 2013 at 6:14 am #

    I loved this – thanks for making me smile this morning. Happy Thanksgiving!

    • Gretchen O'Donnell November 27, 2013 at 10:50 am #

      And to you, too! Everyone needs a smile in the Thanksgiving rush, right?!

  9. whatimeant2say November 28, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

    Cap’n Firepants would be quite happy to have the Squirrel Mafia move in on our territory!

  10. Barbara Bamber | justasmidgen November 30, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

    Oh, my, and I have a bag of black walnuts in my pantry.. should I be afraid, lol??


  1. Squirrels Trump Sparrows | emilykarn - November 27, 2013

    […] Squirrel Mafia (afinedayforanepiphany.wordpress.com) […]

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